Today is my 4th wedding anniversary, and it is an especially important milestone for us. Our marital journey has not been without its ups and downs, most notably our separation a year ago. We have since chosen to reconcile, and have been going to counseling for several months with that end in mind. This anniversary marks a very special occasion, the occasion of us reuniting.
Or perhaps we were never apart. It’s become clear we have a connection that runs deep, which was evident to us both the first night we met in July 1996. I walked into Silver Shadows nightclub in Columbia Maryland with my good friends Lisa, Cynthia and Jamella, and my husband claims that the music stopped when we walked in, Destiny’s Child style, taking no prisoners. I had on a black miniskirt outfit with boots. His head immediately whipped around to take in the sight. His recollection is that I was at the front of the pack as we entered the club in triangular formation.
I don’t know about all the elements of his version of the story, although I do remember the miniskirt and boots.
At any rate, he and I have been on this walk for over a dozen years now, and can’t let go of each other. Which is a good thing, because there’s still much for me to learn in this relationship. For instance, I am learning to:
- Be authentically myself while in relationship with another. This is a balancing act on any day.
- Strike the beautiful balance between being self-full without being selfish.
- Remember that my mate is my mirror and when I’m looking at him, I’m simply looking at another version of myself. For me to believe anything else at this point is delusional.
- Remember that Love can smooth over any difference, including differences in opinion about child-rearing, religious and spiritual differences, family of origin differences, differences in approach to money and wealth, and any other difference a couple can get caught up in. Love doesn’t know differences, it only and always seeks commonality and mutuality. Love always remembers our one-ness of spirit, even when we forget.
- Boldly and calmly speak my truth without heat, anger, confrontation, nagging, belligerence, intolerance or insinuation that he’s dumb if he doesn’t agree with me.
- Give up having to be right, needing to be in control, having to know what’s going to happen next, and trying to get him to change into a version of himself that I think would be more pleasing to me, no matter how artificial.
- Forgive everything–including every hurt and all the old stuff–and develop a severe case of divine amnesia about it all. A good brainwashing by the Holy Spirit is in order for this to work smoothly.
- Release getting my feelings hurt when, instead, I could be remembering that nothing anyone says or does has anything to do with me unless I make it about me.
- Be okay with me and be able to laugh with myself often.
- Enthusiastically go for my dreams while simultaneously championing his.
- Let go and let God.
Now if I could just remember to be and do all these, all the time, life would be peachy.
Since I don’t yet, I’ve still got work to do. We often think that when a relationship is not going well, we can end it and move on to someone else.
The problem is, the problem is you.
What benefit is there in moving on to someone else when the same problems will only arise again after the newness and excitement of the next relationship has worn off?
I figure it’s better to stay where I am, with a man I love and adore, and work through the issues that would only follow me anyway.
So, happy anniversary to me and my sweetie, for another year of doing the loving work of learning, growing and being the best we can be.
Praying for happy harmony in all your relationships,
Valerie Love
